Walter Trobisch
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1. The Insecure Man
Did you ever hear the story about the lawyer who asked one of his fellow attorneys to represent him in a court case? He had worked out his defense, and all his friend had to do was read it at the trial. In the margin at the fourth point he had scribbled, “Raise your voice and pound on the stand when you read this. It is the weakest argument.” Some men do pound their fists on the table to emphasize their points. But mostly they save themselves this effort and instead pound on their accomplishments. In Tucholsky’s poem at the beginning of this book, the typical man pounds on his business achievements, on his civic position, and on the fact that he has more than done his duty to his wife. Yes, he even bought her a hat. But all these arguments are just as weak as the fourth point of the lawyer’s defense. That is why a man has to pound his fist on the table. I don’t know whether anyone has made a study of all the monuments in the world. Most of those that I have seen depict men. It is mostly men who have been the pioneers, the inventors, the artists, the military heroes, the explorers, and the conquerors. This is a man’s role in the theater of the world. This is why he pounds his fist, for in a way he has to be his own monument. But deep inside, he is really tired of always having to structure, to invent, and to conquer. He would rather possess. He would rather have something that stands still, a piece of land that no one will take from him. That is what he would like to have in his marriage too. He is tired of struggling for every inch of ground. He would even like to have God as his partner here because wasn’t it through Him that he was “joined together” with his wife? Instead, the roles are reversed. He, the man, the proud conqueror, the monumental figure, has to admit, when it comes down to the bare facts, that he is dependent upon the woman. He has been on the receiving end since the beginning of his life—and it is the woman who is the giver. All over the world it is the same story. The one who is on the receiving end often feels inferior, put down in the face of the one who gives. The history of world missions shows how developed and not-yet-developed countries are burdened by this. The inferiority complex of those on the receiving end is the main problem in any kind of aid. This is also true of the help the man receives from the woman in his childhood as well as in his marriage. A child gets security from his mother. She is there for her child and dedicates herself to him. A man would like to feel this same security when he is grown. Could it be that Playboy magazines and posters of women with naked, round breasts, which many men find attractive, are geared to an unconscious and unsatisfied thirst in their lives as infants? Many men find their desire unmanly and even unworthy and can’t understand why it has such power over them. But not only as a child does a man receive more than he gives. His love life is that way too. He would like to think of himself as the Great Lover and as the one who gives. Biologically speaking it looks that way, for he gives his wife seminal fluid. But in reality—in the depths of his being—he feels he is the one who is taking something, the one who is receiving. His wife gives him her body, and he experiences the height of pleasure, climax, and then deep relaxation. Even our language betrays this. A young man thinks he can go out and get a girlfriend. He wants to go steady with her. A mature man, it is true, takes a wife, but he also knows that it is she who gives herself. It is this split between our dreams and our real role that gives us men a feeling of uncertainty. That in turn keeps us from living at peace with ourselves. Just as we tend to overlook our wives and their needs, so we pass by ourselves. A woman seeks a man who needs her, who longs for her gifts, who even enjoys being on the receiving end. The one who puts himself in the role of the Great Giver and who, because he is a man, thinks that he is all-sufficient, is only manifesting to the world, with every step he takes, his own inadequacy. 1. The Inadequate ManIt is all very good, all that a man usually brags about—how hard he works, how he provides for his family, how well he can fix things, and yes, even all the committees and organizations he gives his time and money to. But deep down, it is never quite enough. His wife affirms him and stands loyally behind him. She even admires him, and yet he feels inadequate. For whatever else she says or does, just by her very being, she is always reminding him of his inadequacy as a man. This is what bothers him and what she can’t comprehend. If he can meet her in a condescending, fatherly manner, calling her baby or dear child, then he feels safe. And as a maid, as the one who does his washing and sews on his buttons, she tends to make him feel more secure. She also fits into his pattern if she is the source of his pleasure—the one who satisfies his sexual wishes. He can even handle thinking of her as an object which he possesses like a piece of furniture he has bought. But as a real woman, as a person, she simply does not fit into his thinking. She gets in his way, lies diagonally across his path, and he does not know what to do with her. “He may also have a wife,” as Tucholsky says, “but this he does not know.” Although he is frequently told that a little tenderness would heal her inner core, a man does not quite believe that it is true. He knows from experience that a huge dose of tenderness is not enough. Yes, when he thinks that he has given her all the tenderness that he can give and his store is depleted, that is just when she’s looking for more. At the least expected moment, when he’s really feeling good about himself, that is just when she starts to cry—and for no reason at all. It is as if something deep within her is always crying for comfort, and it dawns on him that he will never be able to satisfy completely her deepest longings. A young doctor came with his wife to talk about their marriage. “We’ve been married for a year now. I have tried every way that I know to satisfy my wife. But,” he sighed, “no matter what I do, I always feel I am inadequate.” The longing of lovers—when they truly love each other and are not just partners joined for the purpose of reaching certain goals—goes far beyond satisfying certain sexual desires, establishing a happy family, or even reaching certain comfortable standards of life. Rather, it encompasses the basic longings which go beyond our own person, our own ego. As the poet Manfred Hausmann has put it: “It is a question of an experiment made magic, … trying to reach that which is beyond reality. This is an experiment doomed to failure, and yet it is always attempted again and again with the courage and persistence of despair.” The desire for us to grow beyond ourselves as individuals, as seen in the union of man and woman, is placed in our hearts by God himself. In the second chapter of Genesis we read that God made woman out of one of the ribs of the first man. Adam was jubilant when he recognized Eve and said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” But she is part of him as a woman and not as a second man, not as a buddy, a comrade, or even as a friend. The woman is a part of the man, and yet she has her own identity. She is related to him, and yet she is completely different. She is his closest confidant, and yet she is a stranger to him. And the great longing of man and woman—one which God has placed in them—is that of complementing one another. A wife suffers greatly when her husband seems to find his greatest satisfaction in goals that are so much below her own. A husband suffers greatly because he feels inadequate to reach the total oneness—that which is the great yearning of his wife. And so he resigns; he gives up the struggle and takes refuge among other men—in his factory, on the football field, at the office, maybe even in the army. As Schiller says, “On the battlefield, a man still has worth. There his heart is still balanced.” When his heart is put on the scale by the woman, it is always found too light. And that is why he feels like a schoolboy with a note on his report card reading, Unsatisfactory. The whole world proclaims his victories and his superiority. But when he faces his wife, the man feels inferior. |
